Becoming a Sailor.

On December 25, 2013 I began a relationship. His name was King, he had green eyes, 6’ 2, 4 tattoos and he was a United States Sailor. He wasn’t exactly my typical kind of boyfriend. I was very skeptical about going out with him in general. But in the end he convinced me. He was different, not that of different in which “he’s the one”. His attitude and demeanor wasn’t something that I’ve experienced before. On our first date, he told me everything I needed to know about him. His life story. He talked a lot about our future, but I was used to that. It didn’t phase me much, military guys that just came home from active duty usually just want companionship and stability. But I knew that we weren’t going to go far in the relationship. I didn’t get that feeling of safety around him. So I took in what I could get. He told me he hated his time in the Navy, but I got out a couple of good memories. A lot of times we watched movies in his room, a lot of war movies if not Disney. I would always ask him questions and he would be more than willing to answer them. I remember one time, when we were in his car driving, I asked him about women joining the navy, and different jobs available. He went on and on for a long time, and that conversation is what brought back my feelings about joining the military. I started reading books, watching movies, and doing research of my own. Clearly I wasn’t going to tell him what I was doing, this I had to keep to myself. Years ago I was planning on joining the Coast Guard, but went to college instead. But now, I was here stuck, in my current situation waiting for a call from the NYPD that I honestly didn’t want. I didn’t want to be stuck in New York for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be forced to get my bachelors because that’s the only thing left to do and have to do it at a local college, pay thousands of dollars and be miserable doing so. I needed adventure, I needed to leave and I NEEDED change.

So that’s what I did.

After not even 3 months with King, we broke up. I wanted to remain friends, because I knew I would need his support in my decision, I would need his help, eventually. I still haven’t gotten what I want, but hopefully he can give it to me before I leave. So without the help of anyone, without telling anyone, I contacted a recruiter and started the process.

On April 9, 2014 I swore in, to become a United States Sailor. On April 9th, I became part of America’s Navy. On April 9 2014 my life changed forever.

Since then, I clearly told my friends and family. For the most part, I am overwhelmingly supported by all. I am beyond excited, and proud to be going into the US Navy. My ship date is September 30, 2014. Yes, I plan on making this a career. No, I don’t plan on leaving. You may think I’m crazy, but that’s what makes me, me. I’ve never felt more anxious, and honored to become part of something so big.

Hooyah!

"

The second time I overdosed,
my body couldn’t handle it,
and I threw it all up.
I texted my dad saying,
“I think I took a little too many pills”.

And every time I’ve overdosed,
I always downplay it.
I’ve always tried to act
like it wasn’t a big deal.

That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills
was something daily that normal people do.
My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle
and he shook me to make sure I was awake.
I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..”
while I was drifting off to sleep.
He had to wake me up every 15 minutes
to make sure I was okay.

Let me tell you now,
it is a big deal.

The third time I overdosed,
I slept through first and second period
and passed out in the counselor’s office.
I didn’t want to go to the ER.
I just wanted to go home.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
Again, I just said,
“I think I took too many pills this morning.”

The fifth time I overdosed,
my dad found the empty pill box.
I hallucinated, I had a fever.
I couldn’t move my legs.
All I could do was scream,
“Don’t take me to the hospital this time.
I don’t want to go!”

I became friends with a girl who had overdosed
she’s one of my best friends now
and when I heard she was hospitalized as well,
it just makes me realize how real this problem is.

A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed.
Do you realize how fucked up it is,
that I’ve done it so many times
that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through?
She messaged me saying,
“I took a bunch of pills,
but I just realized I didn’t want to die.
I don’t know what to do.
Help.”

And I’m screaming at her over the screen
that she should throw it up and call 911
because sometimes when someone you love
decides that they hate the world,
that’s all you can do.
You can’t teleport through the phone.
You can’t travel through the internet.
You can’t be there to hold them
and take them to the hospital.

Your love is not charcoal that can
absorb all their poison in their life.
I know, love that you would have done all you could.
Sometimes words aren’t enough.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
Sometimes a person needs to try dying
to know that that’s not really what they want.
There’s nothing you could have done.
You’ve done all you could.
Just keep loving them.

But you see the thing is,
I got lucky.
I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses
without a scratch on me.
But that’s not always the case.
My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter
locked herself in her room and overdosed.

To this day,
her stepmother still has a scar on her heart.
To this day,
on the anniversary of her death,
her stepmother still stays home from school
on the anniversary of her death.
Her sister is in a bad mental state,
and so is her biological mother.
Her family has fallen apart.

You overdose because you think
you will get a peaceful release from death.
It’s not peaceful.
It is not like falling asleep.
It is convulsions, vomiting,
muscle spasms, fevers,
and sharp stomach pains.

An overdose is not instant.

Hollywood has you believing,
that an overdose
is how a lady should exit the world.
As quiet as she came in,
Peaceful and unnoticed.

You will go out kicking and screaming
and wishing you hadn’t taken them.

"

6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)

Dedicated to Rae

(via expresswithsilence)

(Source: angryasianfeminist)

How do I end something, that has yet to begin?

I just don’t know how to handle my current situation. I’ve been “single” for about 2 years now. Every time I came close to a relationship, I’ve backed out and hid for a while. Though, just recently I’ve longed for one…maybe to feel like I have a sense of security, to know that someone wants to be with me and to know that I’m wanted.

Well…here I am. Now  I’m in a relationship, but I’m not happy. I don’t know if it’s me not being happy with him, or if it’s me not being happy with a relationship in fear that it’s going to end the same way my last one did. And the last thing I need is a broken heart.

No, I don’t love him.

I like how we are, most of the time. But sometimes I need to be comforted. And feel like hes always there for me, and he doesn’t give me that.

We went into this knowing we wouldn’t have much time for each other. But now that we’re in this, we talk less when were not together…and when we are together, it’s never alone.

I don’t know if I”m being a complete woman about this by saying I need more, unknowing if I can even handle it…or if I really do need more out of a relationship….and if I need to just end it, if this is how it’s always going to be.

to-be-continued-159 asked:
Why'd you break both his and your heart then?

There are just some paths that lead to a better destination, though once there it’s nice at first…but you still long for the other place…